Spontaneity at its craziest

I had a mental/emotional breakdown last Thursday night.
(I like to be dramatic.)

It was more like a mini-breakdown, a brief lapse in logical decision-making, that led to driving down to So Cal at 4 A.M. The trigger was a combination of pent-up frustration (about school and relationships) and snapchat. Seeing people go out on a Thursday night while I sat and stared at a course reader in a booth that smelled of stale coffee and what I suspect to be hobo-urine? Who wouldn't snap?

I initially just gave up on studying, shoved everything into my backpack, and drove home. But when I pulled up to my driveway and thought of having to move my roommate's car and climb the stairs on tip toes so I don't wake the downstairs neighbors, a small voice in my head said, "You know, if you start driving now, you'll be home sweet home in 7 hours! Just in time for brunch." I decided that this small voice knew its shit, shifted into reverse, and backed up and onto the freeway. (More like: backed up, went to the cheapest gas station in the city -- Divisadero and Fell, fyi -- then drove 10 more minutes to the freeway.)

Three hours in, I had overplayed my limited iTunes playlist and started to wonder if I was making a huge mistake. 'Finals start Monday. Should I really be driving 7 hours while all of my classmates are mastering their cranial nerves?' I looked around, saw that I was in cow country with no U-turns, and squashed those doubts. Having left in such a hurry, I didn't bother packing anything for the road, let alone clothes/makeup for my weekend home. In my backpacks, I only had a small bag of fruit snacks and my half-full water bottle, which I rationed during the trip (one fruit snack every hour). I made one stop on the drive down, at a gas station off the 210, in order to fill up just enough to make it home and empty my about-to-burst bladder.

I called my mom as I pulled into my driveway.
"Hi Mom! Open the garage!"
(in the midst of brushing her teeth): "Why? Are you here?" .... (garage opens) .... "Oh my god. You're here."
"I quit school!"

That's enough about the trip down.
I want to talk about the realizations I had during this spontaneous mental-vacation.

(Shit's about to get serious. So stop reading if you don't have time to sit through the incoherent jumble of thoughts that is my brain).

I didn't arrive at these by myself.
Instead they came from two very different sources, one of whom was quite unexpected.

Realization number one was that I need to say "no" more.

I find humor in a lot of the odd situations in which I find myself, but I've unknowingly been frustrated and stressed out by most. I clearly have a people-pleaser tendency and my go-to response to most requests is, "Sure!" I think I'm usually happy about being able to help out, but there have been more times that I find myself asking, "Why in the world am I doing this?" I put myself in situations where I feel taken advantage of, but can't say anything since I voluntarily placed myself there. Solution? Take a stinking second to think before responding.

Second realization: "People come in and out of your life, and you'll find that some just don't fit. And that's okay."

Prejudices come from mankind's penchant for categorizing others. Perhaps that is why I struggle with being PC so much. I need categories for everything. When someone or something doesn't seem to fit into the equations that I've devised over my years of overcoming social awkwardness, I obsess. What can be fixed? How can I change? How can I prepare so the next encounter is better? (I've admitted this to most of my friends by now, but I used to create lists of talking points before hanging out with people, because I couldn't carry on a normal conversation for the life of me. This habit is probably why my conversations with you are so disjointed. I've developed this bad habit of jumping to a completely unrelated topic when I sense that the previous has run its course.) Instead of changing myself so I can hold onto a puzzle piece that won't ever fit, just learn to let it go.

I tried really hard to find a meme that would lighten the mood a bit. I thought Kevin Hart's "Do you, boo boo" meme might work since the lesson learned is how I need to grow some balls and just be myself. But I actually did some research and watched his bit, and didn't think it applied very well. Soooo yeah. The end.